Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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