your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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