You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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