Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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