My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
