i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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