I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to calm my uterus...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
