The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
