New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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