So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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