I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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