i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You may now shotgun with the bride
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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