my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
