How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize