That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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