There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
