My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize