Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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