6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have fence marks all over my body
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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