I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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