we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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