you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
