What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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