Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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