i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
