I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just pee around me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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