I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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