I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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