it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
