You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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