Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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