the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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