So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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