I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
