dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
