Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
