I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
