If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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