His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm way too hungover for life right now
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i out mim tonsoeep
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize