dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
