My liver just broke up with me...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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