OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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