I cannot find my penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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