Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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