I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
