why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
