i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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