What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I deserve this hangover.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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