I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
