At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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