If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
