apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
