If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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