The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
