I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
