bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
