Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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