Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
