I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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