i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
either way he was missing a nipple.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
