My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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