Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
