I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
