How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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