why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
