Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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