mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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