What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
two words...techno handjob
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This toilet bowl is my home.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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