i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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