I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
