he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
